Freelance Writing & Business Communication

Business approach to writing pays off for student’s daughter

I conduct an e-mail-based business writing course and also teach a similar continuing education business writing course for the University of Toronto. I recently received the e-mail below from a student in the course, which she agreed to allow me to share (with personal and company information removed). As you will see, her daughter’s complaint e-mail is an example of how taking a business approach to writing paid off–quickly and effectively.

Here is the email I received from my student, followed by her daughter’s email:

Hello Paul,
I thought it would be interesting to share a letter that my 17-year-old daughter wrote to using suggestions derived from your business writing course. Taking your business approach to writing, she cut out all the moaning (the tone of the original email was negative and she threatened to tell all her friends about the issues she had). Instead, she took a positive tone and even referenced company’s mission statement in her email and produced the email below:

To whom it may concern,
I would like your assistance in resolving an issue with one of our company’s products, XYZ jeans, size 30, LOT # 519529-TI. I purchased the jeans at the end of June at your ABC Mall store in Toronto. By November, they had ripped on the right inner thigh and I paid to have them repaired. In mid-December, the left thigh also ripped and I had to get them repaired. Since then, many small tears have appeared around the original tears and I was told that the jeans were not reparable. They are now unfit to wear in public.

I am a Grade 12 student working part-time for minimum wage. It took more than 16 hours of work to be able to buy these jeans. I chose your brand for its unbeatable reputation in style, and most importantly, quality. I was confident that this investment would last at least as long as my usual $40 jeans, which tend to last me up to three years. I must have gotten an unlucky pair because the jeans have fallen apart.

I would like to ask for a replacement pair for this defective product. I love your jeans and am confident that you will live up to your core values of “professionalism and the pursuit of excellence” and provide an adequate solution to my problem.

I can be contacted at (phone number) or you can also reach me at (email address).

I was asked to comment on the e-mail the student’s daughter wrote and here is what I said:

“This is an excellent letter. I know her purpose right off the top, so I am reading with her purpose in mind and I am reading to see if her purpose is justified. She clearly spells out the details that support her purpose, so in my mind she deserves new jeans. When she describes herself and how hard she had to work to buy the jeans, she does not get all emotional but she stills garners sympathy. As the reader, I can only think that a dedicated and deserving customer is writing me. Her call to action is clear and she supports it with elements of the company’s mission statement. This is excellent writing and a creative approach to making the reader sympathetic with her cause. In short, this is an excellent letter. There is no guarantee that she will get new jeans; however, this letter will get serious consideration.”

The day after she sent the email, the student’s daughter received a phone call from the someone at the company telling her she could go back to the store and pick any pair of jeans she wanted. So good writing pays off.

Might someone from the company have called even if the writer had sent a harsh, threatening message? Perhaps. It all depends on the company’s customer service policy. However, considering this was the writer’s first negative experience with the company, and the writer’s first communication with the company, I suggest that the approach taken was the right approach.

I also suggest such an approach would receive more serious consideration if there was any leeway in the company’s customer service policy. If the jeans were not under any kind of warranty, the person who read the email would be more inclined to help the writer. In short, you can write to vent or you can write to achieve your purpose. It all starts with knowing what your purpose is, and then structuring a letter that sets out to achieve it.
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Paul Lima is a freelance writer and business writing trainer. He is also the author of several books on business writing and the business of freelance writing.